I've had it!

I've had it with life on Planet Autism today!!!

The catalyst was this past weekend. I went to visit relatives, with my sister, and they were all yammering on about the latest and greatest their children and grandchildren were doing, saying, accomplishing, etc. I literally had nothing to chime in about that is even remotely comparable to report. To top it off, I felt like I was the "elephant in the room"...no one tried to brooch the subject of my son's school, his progress (or lack thereof), our lives and how we are coping. I spent more time trying not to be obvious in my watching of the infomercials which were playing on the TV behind the table we were gathered around in the kitchen.

My only comfort was the fact that, after our visit, my sister lovingly acknowledged that the whole scene had to be difficult for me and we went out for a drink and an appetizer before heading to our hotel room to turn in for the night.

I returned home to find myself very thin on patience for my son's disabilities and the seemingly endless frustration of how life just "is what it is" for him, me and my husband. Not a great way to start out a week where I am also coinciding the major part of my weaning off of the anti-depressant that put me through "hell" with its side effects this past winter and spring.

In addition, I'm so frustrated that I cannot stomach conversations with one of my best girlfriends, as of late, either. I could have screamed when she related to me that she was disappointed that it took her (typically developing) son five whole days to learn to go poop on the potty. What?!?! Are you serious?!?! We've been working on that for almost TWO YEARS now. Give me a royal break! Not to mention the fact that she was telling me all the latest amazing things her 2 month old daughter is doing...things I never realized - until now - my son never did at that age.

The week before, I had my adult (note the word - adult) ballet class and one of the ladies wasn't able to get a sitter for the night; so, she brought her daughter along. It was almost suffocating me that her daughter (younger than my son by half a year - she is going into Kindergarten this fall) was able to follow directions, played quietly, was very respectful by only whispering to her mommy if she needed to say/ask something and was able to imitate our movements. I would NEVER be able to attempt bringing my son to a class like that...even with his peers!

What am I going to do? I can't cut off my friendship, just because I'm seething with jealousy and anger over what my girlfriend's children can do and mine can't or never will; but, I am really cringing each time I see her phone number come up on the caller ID. Lord, please, have mercy! Show me the way to cope with these feelings. It's certainly not going to get any easier and I know - in my head and heart - that I can't keep waiting till 5:00 p.m. to solve my problems with a shot of rum in my Diet Coke.

On the bright side...my son is doing EXTREMELY well at his new school (which is year-round); the dark side...I'm relishing and immensely enjoying (with guilt, however) the time he is gone and I have to myself (to accomplish, without interruption or impediment, what I need and want to do). Please forgive me, Lord. Help me to continue to find joy in this journey and to inspire others in my situation to do the same. Amen!