Of Christmas Programs and Starlight, Starbright

Tis the season! Let us rejoice and be glad! Merry Christmas to all and to all a happy New Year!

Of all the fond memories - and, mind you, there are many - I have from my childhood, the most fond of all coincide with this time of year. My mother made Christmas idyllic and our church services were as enchanting as they were worship filled. The decorations, the music, the mood...all so magnificent. So much love and wonder to share with my own child someday...

Planet Autism doesn't allow such sugar plum fairy filled moments or silent nights, however. All that I wanted him to enjoy and experience looks as though it is a dream impossible of fulfillment and the further I travel this road - lately - more disappointed I become.

We will never know, see or hear what it is like to watch our son perform in the children's Christmas Program with Little Lambs; we will never know, see or hear what it is like to watch our son lift up his voice in song with the children's choir; we will never know, see or hear what it is like to experience watching a performance of Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite Ballet with him...the list goes on and on...all surrounded with that unanswerable question looming over my head...does he even get what it's all about/what is going on?

Someone asked me today, "have you taken your son to see Santa yet?" I chose to carefully respond (so as not to reveal our situation to this stranger and have to field, possibly, a host of other questions or sympathy) with, "no, that's a little beyond my son's ability to cope with at this point and time." My response was met with a happy, understanding chuckle and the conversation moved on. My regret did not, however.

I came very close to not decorating the house this year - all under the excuse that we are having our living and dining room walls repaired and painted, which is where the majority of the decorations have been displayed. I'm so glad I did not give in to that temptation because, when my son saw the window candelabra plugged in and lit up he took a moment to stare at it with awe and wonder (truly not the "I'm off in my own autistic world" stare) and, I think, enjoyed it's presence in the room.

Maybe he gets it...Lord, please, let it be so.